Steve’s TV Peeves Continued

… previously on Fisher Lane: No’s 1 to 18 are here.

Otherwise, we’ll crack on… with this new Bingo card of TV turn-ons and turn-offs.

19. News reports using a related something to ‘project’ the pertinent points upon. A road in perspective, the side of a truck, a coffee cup – on these the data graphics are tortuously displayed. Someone had the idea for that.

20. Film and TV scores that inform us, musically, in what nation or city the action’s taking place.

21. An angry character shouts ‘Get Out!’, then immediately follows up with ‘I said, ‘Get Out!’’, before any reaction’s been reasonably possible. A sort of instant, if ill-tempered, retrospective of one’s dialogue.

22. The Preposition Emphasis: the scourge OF all news broadcasts, and specifically IN regional reports. ‘…George is no stranger TO rural crime’; ‘…with rain moving eastwards at the start OF the week.’

23. The Numerical Emphasis Misfire: in finance reports, for example, where the stress is given to the non-apposite comparative element. ‘… the figure has risen from nineteen point five million to twenty seven point THREE million…’ Oh, point THREE, you say. Well.

24. Biopics of musicians featuring actors with no musical talent, so we join them faking the last two beats of a song. And then they take off the guitar saying something like ‘that’s a wrap’, or ‘get that in the can?’. Moving one’s hand up and down a fretboard is kind of the musical acting equivalent of ‘drinking’ tea without the swallowing bit – you’d really think there’d be basic advice.

25. Newsreaders who have to keep staring fixedly out at you in the occasionally over-long interval between their ‘goodbye’ and their studio ‘out’. (I usually look down at my hands in my lap when this happens. And whimper.)

26. Characters, of any social context, never being remotely fazed by police turning up at their door.

27. Characters in dramas with a personal interest in the TV news who turn off the broadcast after watching the introductory report headlines only – not open to the possibilty there could be more details and breaking news updates to come. Incidentally the only occasion of TV-switching-off on TV that isn’t marked with ‘Oi, I was watching that!’ (see Part One, No. 12) which is ironic, as they all were – up to a point.

28. TVs on TV that turn ON instantly, and always onto the ‘correct’ channel; usually at the behest of a telephoning friend / accomplice; ‘Quick! Channel 9, now!’ A timing control test here has just established that our household telly, from OFF to News Channel, takes 32.6 seconds (and it’s not an old telly); which would be a tremendous hiatus to build into a drama, replete with ‘c’mon, c’mon’s and mounting pissed-off-ness – perhaps even an ‘oh, just forget it.’ (And this is a scenario I’d rather love to build a bigger sketch around.)

29. When someone is handed a letter or important document, the recipient looks long into the eyes of the hander-overer, rather than more usefully down at the letter / object they’re now holding.

30. Soap Dialogue: “Are you okay?” “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” er… because of the basic premise of the storyline you’re involved in…

photo: didier ruef. respectfully borrowed FROM his excellent work.

photo: didier ruef. respectfully borrowed FROM his excellent work.

© Steve Mitchell and Fisher Lane, 2013

About Stevie Mitchell

I come from a long line of cartoons and beer. I was once peed on by a tiger. Hoping the resultant super-powers are yet to come, cos if these are they, then, grrrr....
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