In September 2007 I fell off our front doorstep and knackered some metatarsals in my left foot. This was just weeks after moving into the house where we now live, and I was unaccustomed to the front steps being higher, or being there at all, and I brought my full weight down on the strangely low pavement and very quickly felt quite sick.
This morning, rather sitcom-ically on my way to the gym, I made a brief dash back into the house to fetch something forgotten, sprang up the first few steps and felt something in the calf of my left leg go pop. Very. And I got that sick-ish feeling once again.
In 2007 (when metatarsals were much in the papers), just days after the doorstep I travelled to Bulgaria for an advert shoot for Coors Light. Damn good advert it was too, and one of my unbanned ones. It being ski country, roundabouts, most on crutches were coming the other way, but I was going uphill. Having those crutches came in handy for pointing things out on set – especially effective when indicating two things and the relationship between, whilst all the while leaning upon the other crutch; effective like Bill Bailey’s assertion that a pipe-smoker makes for a good giver of directions.
Back in Burton-upon-Trent and hobbling up the stairs a big nob in HR observed of me that I was positively contributing to the company’s diversity agenda.
In 2012 I’m back on those crutches. The nice nurse from Newcastle told me ‘no gym for you, pet, for at least two months’. Not quite in the manner of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi, but I’ve spent the day merging the two in my pain-killered mind.
When I was nine, on a Friday I was given the part of the Lame Boy in our class’s production of The Pied Piper, and the weekend was spent in the garage with my dad, sanding and painting the found branch that was to be my stick – the black gloss paint refusing to dry the entire Sunday lunch through. By Monday the teacher had forgotten, like teachers seemed to forget everything then, that she’d ever proposed the play.
Well, Mrs Walker, I think I can now safely say – Bazinga.
© Copyright, Steve Mitchell and Fisher Lane, 2012.